You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
