Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
