i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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