i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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