from now on my penis is your penis
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
