I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
