woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
