I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
