Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
