someone get that fucking seahorse.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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