My liver just broke up with me...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
