: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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