if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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