We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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