If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
