Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
