The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
