how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
