Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
