Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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