Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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