What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize