I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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