I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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