I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
