Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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