I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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