So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
