I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
