You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
