I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
did you just send me my own nude
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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