So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
