If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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