Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
