Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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