I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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