Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
