i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
