The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
