Quick, to the slutcave!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
