If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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