I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
