mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
