You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
