...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
