Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize