I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
