I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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