I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
