I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
