whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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