life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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