we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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