I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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