Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
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