Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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