well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
