I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
